R2 is God of Music!

R2 suddenly figures how to play Piano. He sits on the dining table and starts playing it. The room fills with the most exquisite Piano sound anyone has ever heard. R2 is on his way to greatness.

Godzilla: "R2, stop tapping the table!" Godzilla is so annoyed that he starts expanding!

R2 now wants to try guitar. Runs to the kitchen, picks up the broom and starts strumming it. What an incredible sound! Jimmy Hendrix is turning in his grave.

Godzilla has expanded so much that he is now floating in the room. He is turning red with fury!

R2 is on a roll. He takes his golf clubs and starts playing flute. He is playing Megh Raga – and, ofcourse, it begins to rain!! Tansen joins Jimmy Hendrix in their grave dance.

“No, not the drums!! Please spare me”, Godzilla says as he sees R2 coming out of kitchen with spoons and plates!

R2 changes his mind. He always wanted to be a sing well, but has been a horrible singer till now.

He turns on the TV – American Idol is on. Before any contestant could sing, R2 starts singing –in front of TV - in the most soulful voice mankind has ever heard. Simon Cowell turns around and says, “this is the most soulful voice mankind has ever heard. Now I can retire”. Simon gets up, turns around, smooches Paula Abdul and then goes to Himalayas.

Strangely enough, Simon Cowell spoke in a distinct Indian accent. Now, that’s weird.

Godzilla on Evolution and Long Island Ice Tea

R2: Godzilla, do you believe in evolution?

Godzilla: I do believe that you, in particular, need at least a million more years of evolution to be good for anything.

R2: Huh! You think you are evolved enough?

Godzilla: Its creatures like me that make me evolution skeptic. It is difficult to believe that all the awesomeness that is Godzilla, is product of some itsy bitsy evolutionary inter-mutations of whales and dinosaurs.

R2: I won’t look for any evolutionary explanation for your existence. Most likely, some crazy Japs dreamt you up as a fictional character and you sprang to life. Looking at you, I must say that Japs have a sense of humor!

Godzilla: Dude, think about it – so many species have a life span of a day or even hours. Within one lifespan of a human, they have had hundreds of thousands of generations. If evolution were true, these species must be evolving at speed of light. With that logic, all the flies would have become super flies and all the spiders would have become spider-man by now. Given that I don’t see too many spider-men around, evolution must be false

R2: Godzilla, I bow to you! How about drinking some long island ice tea to that – the super drink evolved from several every imaginable primitive liquors species?

Godzilla and Ghost

R2: (shouts from the living room) Godzilla, lets get ready for the Halloween party – what’s your costume?

No Response

R2: Oh, I figured! You don’t need any costume. You are going as Godzilla! Haha.. That’s freaky enough!

No Response

R2: (annoyed) Godzilla!

No Response

R2: (shouts again) Godzilla!! Why don’t you answer?

R2, now scared, walks slowly to the bathroom. Doesn’t find anyone inside.

R2: (softly, scared) Godzilla, where are you?

R2 finally looks at the mirror and screams in horror! There is a pale faced vampire standing behind him.

Godzilla takes off his vampire mask and starts laughing. “How do you like my mask? By the way, go change your pants. Haha”

R2: (relieved, but still a bit scared, giggling sheepishly) You scared the bazookas out of me! That was too good! Anyways, I will go get ready. R2 walks out.

Camera pans to the mirror. There is no reflection even as Godzilla stands right in front. Camera pans back to close-up of Godzilla’s face. Godzilla tilts his neck and gives a wicked knowing smile.

Eerie music. Screen goes blank. Credits roll down.

Godzilla on Tiger Woods

R2: Godzilla, Woods comes from behind yet again and wins the Buick Open!! Isn’t he truly amazing?

Godzilla: He is! And he seals this win with a rip-roaring fart (and giggle). Follow this link for details and video:
http://www.inquisitr.com/31724/tiger-woods-wins-buick-open-seals-the-18th-with-a-fart/

R2: Ahh, poor Tiger! I feel for these celebrities who can not even enjoy a thoroughly private moment of farting – with cameras and mics following them 24/7.

G: Dude, you don’t have to feel sorry for Tiger. He wanted the world to hear this – this fart was a statement!

R2: What rubbish!

G: Well think about it. He didn’t make the cut at British Open, had a lousy 1st day at Buick Open. Media was too eager to write him off, and he comes back with an incredible victory. Mere mortals, in this case, would have showed middle finger to the media. A fart is far more “come from behind” and middle than middle finger could ever be! That’s a truly Tiger thinking!

R: Whatever! Lets go play a round a golf. Just don’t be a Tiger if you win, okay?

Godzilla on "Beer Summit"

R2: Obama is so cool! Who could have thought of addressing an emotionally charged national debate on race over a few mugs of beer!

Godzilla: I know. Nothing makes a discourse more intelligent than generous intake of alcohol. That’s a page straight out of Godzilla’s book!

R2: Though, nothing came out of it. All they did was posed for camera and went back “agreeing to disagree”. They didn’t even apologize to each other! A ‘spilled’ opportunity, I would say.

Godzilla: Guess they didn’t go far enough. It’s difficult to let your guard down and do true male bonding when you drink just one mug of light beer, are dressed in suits and ties, and an army of photographers is snapping your every move. They should have just gone inside the oval office, played beer pong (and smoked cigar) on the same desk on which Clinton did Monica Lewinsky. Prof Gates and Sgt Crowley should then have had ‘car bomb shots’ with Obama and Biden shouting– Chuggg!! Chugg!! Chugg!!

R2: I am not sure if that would have worked. If a sober Crowley could arrest Gates for breaking into his own house, a drunk Crowley would have surely arrested Obama for breaking into the White House!

Godzilla: Come on now! Crowley is not that racist - Obama is much lighter-skinned than Prof Gates! Now, can we stop discussing this sensitive issue and drink some Blue Moon beer?

Godzilla on Moon Landing

R2: Godzilla, do you believe that the Moon landings really happen?

Godzilla: Yeah – I was there. Did I ever mention that I was born on the moon?

R2: That explains all the weight you have put on, you were compensating for weaker gravity on moon! No, seriously – do you think moon landing was a hoax?

Godzilla: Of course it was the greatest prank ever!

R2: Why?

Godzilla: Because humans were slow witted bunch back in 1960s. The computers were size of the Pyramids, tic-tac-toe was considered the hottest video game, men found it cool to wear bell bottom tights, people actually listened to rock music and Himesh Reshamiya hadn’t even started belting out his songs! Do you think these fooltards had the technology to land on the moon?

R2: So what really happened?

Godzilla: Well, Khrushchev and Kennedy were involved in a race on who had the biggest balls. A group of drugged hippies under LSD induced trance dreamt up this whole shit and went to Kennedy asking him to claim ‘Sun landing’. Kennedy, always the smart ass, knew that public will not buy Sun Landing story (it must be way too sunny up there) and tampered it down to Moon Landing.

R2: What about all the video footage?

Godzilla: Oh, that was a MTV music video for a psychedelic rock song. Gullible folks like you will watch clips from Watchmen and believe that Mars landing has already happened!

R2: Or, read Chacha Chaudhary and believe Jupiter landing has already happened. Hehehe.. You seem to be in mood today, how about some whiskey?

Godzilla: Dude, I am already on a high! Lets listen to some rock. Can you just play “Man on the Moon”? Please?

Godzilla on Bruno

Godzilla: What’s similar between Bruno and Golf?

R2: No point guessing, I assume. You tell me.

G: Both involve people playing with clubs – their own or each others or rented! Hahaha!

R2: Not funny, and tasteless, just like the jokes in Bruno.

G: You didn’t like Bruno?

R2: It was disgusting nonsense! Baron Cohen has exhausted his bag of tricks.

G: Well, I felt that the movie had many genuinely funny and thought provoking moments – if you could overcome the graphic visuals and all-around crudeness.

R2: I wonder what Cohen was trying to achieve? If he was trying to expose homophobia in society, he ended up just re-enforcing the worst gay stereotypes. Rather than becoming part of the solution, he may have made his contribution to the problem.

G: He is an entertainer, why expect him to solve any problems??

R2: I actually found myself more sympathetic towards some of the victims, whose homophobic behavior Cohen was trying to expose. I am guessing that’s true for an overwhelming majority.

G: May be it’s a reflection of subconscious traces of homophobia within you, and the majority.

R2: Absolutely no!!

G: In any case, any kind of dialogue on these issues is a step forward towards ultimate resolution.

R2: I am not sure; sometimes conversations amplify issues by intensifying emotions on both sides. Indian high court just decriminalized gay sex and there was absolutely no social outrage. I am sure that even if court had legalized gay marriages, it would have been a non-issue in India.

G: Not recognizing an issue doesn’t make it a non-issue. Hey, this is too serious a topic for my taste. Let me ask you another question – why are golf balls white and small?

R2: No clue.

G: Because if they were black and big, they would be elephants!

R2: Ahh. no elephant jokes please!! Hey – it’s a great day outside, how about making another attempt at learning golf?

G: Lets go.

Godzilla and R2 in Technicolor

Godzilla on Federer and Hot Dog Eating

R2: Godzilla, do you agree that Federer is the greatest?

G: Huh! Not even close!

R2: Did you not watch the Wimbledon finals?

G: Actually no. I was paying attention to the Hot Dog Eating World Championship which took place the same weekend. I rate Joey Chestnut as the greatest! He just won his 3rd straight title and set astounding record of eating 68 hotdogs within 10 minutes!

R2: Who cares about Hot Dog Eating!

G: Dude, you are so out of touch!! I saw this contest in a bar in South Carolina. Every screen was showing it and entire bar was cheering wildly for Chestnut.

R2: That probably is more of a statement about South Carolina than about Hot Dog Eating

G: I think Tennis is a pointless game. A REAL sport should be epitome of essential human purpose in life – satisfying hunger (survival), waging wars (competing for survival) and procreation. Hot Dog Eating, Boxing and Ultimate Fighting Championship qualify. Recreational sports such as Tennis and Cricket are for wimps. Wimps have no claim over greatness.

R2: Guess, in that case, Mike Tyson has a bigger claim than Chestnut. He not only boxed, he even ate an ear while he was at it!

G: He is a close second. It’s hard to beat 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes!!

R2: I was wondering if there exists any competitive sport that epitomizes procreation.

G: I never thought about it! There can be a competition about who can..

R2: Godzilla! Stop! This is a family friendly blog space.

G: Okay, whatever. Hey, I am feeling hungry – can you get me some hot dogs? With lot of mustard sauce please.

To Good Times: Myrtle Beach on July 4th

After spending the day at the beach, Chaits and I have lodged ourselves in our balcony overlooking the ocean as it approached sunset.

Godzilla is looking down at the beach, observing humans of all shapes, sizes and colors. Young men and women, who were showing off their beach bodies and tattoos during the day, are back – much more modestly dressed this time. Two kids, who were trampling each other’s sand castles are now fighting with light sabers. A young couple, which was making out in the wavy ocean, is now back on the sand – still making out. The live band, which was playing its original songs, is finally playing Pink Floyd hits.

After acquiring increasingly darker shades of red, the sky has finally deepened into grayish black and is almost indistinguishable from the ocean, but for the waves shimmering in moonlight. Across the entire length of the beach, people are lighting fireworks. Unlike the synchronized fireworks display I am used to seeing in DC on July 4ths, this is random and uncoordinated - rendering these fireworks a real soul. Still nothing like fireworks in India on Diwali nights. Even the chaos in US is so spaced out, so organized, so safe. Hey wait! A rocket seems to have misfired and is heading straight to the swimming pool down below. It burst right in the center of the pool! People are screaming and running around (no, no one got hurt)! Now this is REAL fireworks!

R2 is immersed in a book, “Unaccustomed Earth”, a collection of short stories. He is currently reading story of a man who is reflecting about his unexpressed unfulfilled love for his headmaster’s daughter way back in his boarding school days.

“He and all the other boys were in love with Pam, who was the only girl in her family, the only girl on campus, the only girl, it had felt back then, in the world… She seemed fully aware of their admiration, flattered but off-limits”.

R2, having lived in a boarding school as a kid, can so relate to it. He thinks about his science teacher’s daughter, who the entire class had a crush on and wonders what became of her.

The rhythm is broken by a big round of applause. The band has just finished its last song of the night. Chaits and I look at each other. "Cheers!", She raises her drink, “To good times”. “To good times”, I say, raising my glass.

R2 Origins

Jan 27th, 2003, my 1st day at work in US. I introduce myself to my new team as Ravi Prakash; the team insists that the name Ravi will not do, it’s already taken.

Henceforth I was R2; some even called me R2-D2. I had no clue about Star Wars back then and kept wondering how in the world D2 stands for Prakash. In spite of all my efforts, the name stuck and even my wife switched to calling me R2!

R2’s achievements during his 1st 10 days in US define his personality:

1) Paid $60 as tip to the limo driver who came to pick him up at the airport.

2) Called 911 for directions

a. Because he had no change and 911 calls were free from the booth
b. When asked where is he calling from, “From the Petrol Pump in front of McDonalds”
c. When asked where do you need directions to, “My apt. is in Herndon, close to a Red Lobster”

3) Ordered “both”, when asked “for here” or “to go”.

4) Somehow thought that there were 2 kinds of roads in US -> highways and sub-ways. Decided that he hates highways after few days of heart stopping driving adventures. Since his corporate housing in Herndon required him to take highways to work – he asked his relocation agent to move him to a place where he will need just the subways. Relocation agent moved him to an apartment near Vienna Metro station!

5) Was forced to play Taboo in an ice-breaker session. Picks up a card, looks at the word and says, “I can’t do this, I don’t know the meaning of this word Denver”

And this was just the beginning.

Godzilla Origins

A lot of folks have wondered about Godzilla – why the name Godzilla, where did it come from, what is the inspiration? To clarify – Godzilla does not represent my wife!! (..wonder why anyone would think that??).

Godzilla originated on Jan 5th, 2005 and since then has been trash-talking to the world as my alter-ego. Thankfully, Pauda (aka Anirudh Gupta and Kyle's Mom is a Bitch) had saved the original Godzilla mail and posted this entry as part of his nostalgia series on the doomed boyzz blog (http://theboyzzz.blogspot.com/):

And here comes R2, the king of trash-talking. This email goes back to Jan 2005 when all the boyzzz joined the same Gym and duly started playing Squash.

"Booby" never became popular (Lucky Paddo). And R2, what happened to the "Godzilla"? :)

-----Original Message-----
From: Prakash, Ravi
Sent: Wednesday, January 05, 2005 11:03 AM
To: Batra, Gaurav; Gupta, Anirudh; Mathur, Shantanu; 'Vaibhav Gupta'; Sharma, Saurabh; Mirpuri, Jai
Cc: Shekhawat, Pradeep
Subject: You can run..
… but can not hide!!
The Godzilla of squash has arrived - promising to squash you all to a pulp (with some mighty swings and some delicate touches.. Aha.. Aha.. Aha..)
Booby got the first taste of the Godzilla thrashing - poor poor Booby.. (Godzilla weeps from him.. Booohoo booohooo…)
PS:
Scoreline
4-9; 9-4; 9-2; 7-9; 9-7

posted by Kyle's Mom is a Bitch at 11:52 PM | 0 comments

Godzilla goes Golfing

After squashing everyone who dared to challenge him in Wii golf, Godzilla decided to extend his domination to real golf. In a totally ‘un-Godzilla’ like behavior, he wakes early Saturday morning, picks some of his equally lazy friends and drives to a driving range.

Later in the afternoon, R2 enters the living room to find Godzilla slumped on the recliner, staring intensely at an open beer bottle kept on the coffee table right in front of him.

R2: Godzilla, you are so lazy!! Why don’t you pick up the beer bottle, its just 2 feet away. It seems you were waiting for me to come in and pick it for you!

Godzilla (almost groaning): Dude, can you just pass it over? I am in lot of pain – my arms are sore, my back is hurting – I am so tired!

R2: Why, what happened? Did you do extreme weight lifting or run a marathon?

Godzilla: Nah.. I went to driving range. Didn’t imagine it will be so tiring and painful.

R2: Why don’t you just accept your virtual existence and stick to your virtual social and physical life? Do you want me turn on Wii for you and hand over the remote?

Godzilla: Don’t rub it in, man. Hey, something funny happened over the driving range, I must tell you!

R2: Go on.

Godzilla: So, I went with Dipanjan, Subbu and Hemang. Subbu is a ‘natural golfer’ and Dipanjan has his own club set.

R2: Which means they suck less than you do.

G: Yeah. Anyways, I assumed that playing golf is same as playing cricket. Just that it’s simpler because the ball is stationary and the only shot you need to play is lofted straight drive. So I was playing my lofted straight drivers with all the fancy footwork. Hemang, fellow newbie, for some reason thought that I was a pro. He complimented me on my style and liked how I was using my full body weight and exaggerated movements to generate ball speed. He observed me for a while from various angles; I gave him a tip or two. Soon he was back to his tee, hitting lofted cricket straight drives using slightly modified version of my fancy footwork. Only problem was that none of our shots crossed 10 yards or went straight. Dipanjan, to our dismay, pointed out later that what we thought was superlative technique, was absolutely wrong and extremely funny! He then showed us the right technique.

R2: Hehehe, that was funny!Though, what makes you think that Dipanjan knows any better?

Godzilla and Superman

R2: Godzilla, I want to do the Superman ride again!!

Godzilla: Well, I can make you do it, if you insist. Lot of seniors used to make the freshies do the ‘Superman ride’ across the hostel corridors in the heydays of IIT ragging.

R2: You are sick!! I am talking about the Superman ride in Six Flags – the amusement park. I want to experience the thrill, the fear, the speed!!

G: Are you out of your mind! Why would you want to ride a roller-coaster at a bankrupt amusement park!! They can’t run their company, why do you think they will be able to run their rides safely.

R2: Well.. that logic never stopped you from flying bankrupt airlines.

G: You have a point. Aren’t you scared though?

R2: Roller-coaster rides are orders of magnitude safer than driving a car. And the top speed of all these roller coasters is less than the interstate driving speed! There is absolutely no risk of getting hurt.

G: I wonder why you would not rather seek fear and speed in your car which is more dangerous and faster. Why do you experience thrill in an activity which you know is so incredibly safe? Sometimes you make no sense.

R2: But.. mmm..
R2 is more confused, but can’t think of a retort.

G: While your slow brain is working at it, can you pass me a beer?

Hangover for Oscars!

Godzilla: Man… Hangover was crazy funny!! Best movie ever made - funnier than Borat, Old School and Road Trip combined!

R2: Agree with you, for a change. Though, I will not go as far as calling it the best movie ever.

Godzilla: Do you think it will win an Oscar?

R2: As far as I know, best picture goes only to the movie about gays or World War II or biographies or literary novel adaptations. Hangover has no chance. Unfair, I know. I wish Academy shared its sensibility with Godzilla.

Godzilla: May be Bruno has a chance then. It’s a biography of a gay fashion designer!

R2: :) I am so looking forward to Bruno!

Godzilla: I am not willing to give up on Hangover for Best Picture Oscars – esp. with new Oscar rule around 10 nominations for best picture.

R2: Let’s mark our support for ‘Hangover for Oscars’ by living the Hangover spirit - by drinking all night!

Godzilla: Or by going for a Bachelor Party! Batra’s is coming up shortly. Oh wait, I guess your wife will not let you go. Ouch!

R2: Hey – I just don’t like bachelor parties - those strippers are someone's daughters!

Godzilla: Okay, whatever.. Lets just get drunk then..

God and Godzilla

R2: Godzilla, is there a God?

Godzilla: Of course, Yes! You see one right in front of you. Didn't you notice 1st 3 letters of my name?

R2: Godzilla - I am serious! Is there a God? Yes or No?

Godzilla: No.

R2: Whaat??!!! You really believe there is no God!! Who created universe? What was before it, what is beyond it? What happens after we die? Isn't there a greater purpose to life than Darwinian writ of survival and procreation? How can you live in peace with these open questions, without believing in God ??

Godzilla: Phew!! Hey, why don't we have a beer and watch some episodes of Lost. I am sure that by next season we will have answer to all these questions and more!

R2 gives up and starts to walk out in disgust.

Godzilla: Hey R2, how about going to Shiva Vishnu temple next weekend? I heard they have some awesome food on weekends.

R2 (stops) : I like that idea! A lot of pretty Indian girls visit the SV temple on weekends. Why don't we go this weekend itself?

India vs. Pakistan

R2 walks up to Godzilla who is about to best his personal record in Wii Tennis.

R2: Godzilla, I am feeling angry and guilty at the same time!

Godzilla: What’s new! Tell me.

R2: A friend of mine had this as his Facebook status

"GP is kinda sad to hear the firecrackers upon Pak win - even as Qasab is under trial"

This status message reminded me of an India Pakistan game I had seen as a 13 year old with a good Muslim friend of mine at his place. There were almost 40 people watching that game at his place, I probably was the only Hindu amongst the audience. India lost that game badly - and the crowd cheered wildly in Pakistan's support. It was absolutely dis-heartening and made me so angry!

Godzilla: Hmm.. What makes you feel guilty?

R2: I, somehow, from deep within, was rooting for a Pakistan victory in the T20 world cup finals!

Godzilla: Whom did you support in IPL?

R2: Bangalore.

G: Why Bangalore as opposed to Mumbai where you lived the most?

R2: Arr.. because I worked there for 6 months.. Well.. actually, because I had lot of shares of Bangalore in my fantasy IPL league.

G: If there was a game between India and US - who would you support?

R2: Of course, India. You forget that even though I live in US, I am an Indian citizen.

G: What if you got American citizenship today? Will it change who you support?

R2: You are trying to draw absurd conclusions by comparing situations which appear similar but are entirely different. I know your tricks very well! India - Pakistan games are different. You cannot ignore the wounds of history and intensity of emotions..

G: Shh.. Relax!! It’s just a game. Chill...
(Godzilla tosses the 2nd remote towards R2)
Well, let me whoop your ass in Wii Tennis, how about that?