Introducing IndiaMan

R2: Did you hear about this new super hero – India Man?

Godzilla: Of course, yes! He is a sensation and drawing some uncanny parallels with other established superheroes in his brief superhero career. Similar to Superman and Spiderman, he is a reporter during the day and IndiaMan during the night(http://www.cricinfo.com/page2/content/story/463981.html)

Like the original Superhero, HanuMan, he just flew to Lanka and has already defeated super-villains like ChuckMan (Shoaib Akhtar) and CheaterMan (Shahid Afridi). CrazyMan (Latish Malinga) is already trembling with fear.

R2: Wow! Does he have any other super-power?

Godzilla: He is known to hypnotize his adversaries by his smooth talk, numb them with his power-point presentations and blow them away with some crazy number-crunching.

R2: He sounds almost invincible! Superman had kryptonite, Mr. India had “red light”, does IndiaMan have any weakness?

Godzilla: Cute girls. (And his batting, bowling and fielding)

Godzilla on funny superstitions

1.Cawing of a black crow – signals arrival of guests

In India, all crows are black. They are everywhere and they crow all the time. In India, miraculously enough, lot of guests keep arriving. Completely unannounced. All the time. Guess this superstition is on strong foundations afterall.

My mom, one of the most accomplished practitioner of the cawing-crow signal system, has honed her skills to perfection. If the cawing-crow also tries to pick for the food, mom knows that the guest will demand lunch. She tries to shoo them away. If a particular crow is persistent and keeps coming back, she is sure that we are dealing with a really sticky guest. In fact, she can even tell which exact relative will be our next guest by just observing the crows (she never told me how exactly she does that)


2. Saying “knock on wood” and then tapping anything made out of wood – enables continued good fortune / avoids tempting fate

This is clearly a western import, but they say the same thing about cricket. While most educated Indians look down upon desi superstitions, they all have completely endorsed this one. In fact, we have a perfect swadesi alternative superstition that achieves exactly the same purpose – “nazar na lage, and then put lot of kajal in your eyes”. However, “knock on wood” has knocked out “nazar na lage” the same way cricket has knocked out gilli-danda.

A scene in CEO’s boardroom:

CEO: We made a huge profit in the last quarter. Knock on wood (he taps the desk).
Other Executives: Knock on wood (they all tap the desk).

The executive who wants to win some extra snaps from the CEO continues tapping the desk until the CEO asks him to stop. Versions of this scene happen frequently in several corporate settings.

Imagine the same scene:

CEO: We made a huge profit in the last quarter. Nazar na lage (his secretary comes and puts kajal in his eyes)
Other executives (all of them have put on lot of kajal): Nazar na lage, Nazar na lage, Nazar na lage.

Can we get our nazar na lage back?


3. Bless You – you say this when someone sneezes

You know that a superstition has arrived when it transcends the levels of absurd faith to reach the rarefied heights of fine culture. If I forget to say “bless you” to my wife when she sneezes, I am in trouble. Her first response is “where are your manners?” It gets worse on repeat offense, “I know you don’t love me”!!

I did some research on this one. Apparently the Pope asked the Romans to say “bless you” to the folks who sneezed during the bubonic plague of 6th century. Sneezing was an early symptom for the plague. He was asking people to bless the soul of someone who was about to die! WTF!! Knock on wood please!

What if Shankaracharya had declared that everyone must say “Jai Ho” when someone farted. After all, farting is an early symptom of diarrhea which was the biggest cause of deaths in 6th century India.

Imagine this scene:

Godzilla lets a rip roaring fart and then giggles.
R2: (instinctively) Jai Ho!

R2 (after some time): Dude, you have totally ruined the song for me!!

Memories: Cricket in my boarding school (1987-1990)

Let me share some childhood cricket memories from my boarding school days that have stayed with me. It is sad that I have not played any form of cricket for the last 4 years. (Dang, folks at Nintendo should come up with a popular Wii Cricket game already!)

1. Love for batting: I was at the runner’s end. It was an easy single, but he refused to run. He loved batting too. On the last ball, there was another easy single. To his surprise, I was more than wiling to run. He looked at me in gratitude and started strolling gleefully for a run that would have let him keep the strike for another full over. Did he think I was a fool?? I waited till he was halfway through the pitch, and sprinted back to the runner’s end. He was stranded and was run out!! He was a big guy. Now he was a furious big guy charging at me, shouting expletives (B***, M**$%#), threatening to beat me to a pulp. Luckily he stopped just a few inches short, shouted a few more expletives and went away. I won :)


2. Specialist Batsman: I started my career as an intimidating fast bowler. They said I ran faster than I bowled. Realizing my physical limitations, I became a guileful leg spinner (twirling the ball like Quadir at the start of my run-up). My variations included the ‘slow one’ and the ‘super slow one’. They said I bowled lollipops. Finally I had to become a specialist batsman. Being a specialist batsman, it kind of sucked to bat at number 10. I always prayed that my teammates batting ahead of me get out really early so that I at least get to bat. But apart from that life was good; I got to name our team (“Golden Team”)!

3. Extraordinary umpires: There were some weird characters that preferred watching the game as umpires, rather than playing it. Apparently, if the umpires raised one finger, the batsman was signaled out. However, the umpires could raise two fingers to signal ‘not out’. Umpires routinely used the two finger signal as a tease or when they changed their mind last second. They had a fairly elaborate decision making progress. Two examples:

Umpire: Maa kasam kha ki tune ball nick nahi kiya
Batsman: As a principle main kabhee Maa kasam nahi khaata, but teri kasam khaa sakta hun…
Umpire (raising one finger): OUT

Umpire (asking a passerby): Do you think he is run-out?
Passerby: Yeah, he didn’t make it to the crease. He is clearly out.
Umpire: Idiot!! How can you see from there?? NOT OUT (and raises two fingers and then turns around and shows middle finger to the passerby)


4. Politics and Revenge: The guy who owned the bat, wickets and pads was the captain of the Golden team. He was a particularly bad player, but liked to open the batting and bowling. He was also the coach, the selector and the commissioner of the team. Next year, one of the players got his own bats, wickets and pads. Almost instantly, the entire team deserted the old captain and formed a new team under the new captain. They named their team the “Platinum Team”. I stuck with the Golden Team (after all, I named that team), became the vice captain because of my loyalty and recruited new members. After months of practice, we finally challenged the Platinum Team for a grudge match. I still remember that game in incredibly vivid detail. I took three wickets with my lollipops, one stunning diving catch and scored 25 runs of the 81 total we scored. We won :)

Godzilla’s list: 6 lamest Gods from the Hindu Mythology

#6 Brahma:

If you go by the job description, Brahma should have been a stud! He is supposed to be the Creator. In any other religion he would have been the God no. 1, with the biggest fan following. However, no one worships Brahma in Hinduism!

Story goes that he was infatuated with one of his daughters and hence a lifetime ban on Brahma worship was imposed (lifetime bans really suck, especially if you have an eternal existence). Poor Brahma didn’t have a choice – as a creator, every women was his daughter or nth order derivative.

To add to the lameness - while every other God carries cool weapons, Brahma carries around a book and a spoon (WTF!).


#5 Indra:

Indra is the king of the tier 2 Gods of Hindu mythology. This Somras (divine liquor) drinking, Apsara (divine dancers) drooling, extremely insecure and weak king of Gods must have been the role model for all the Desi Maharajas of the British era.

Apparently, Indra was cursed by Gautama (a saint whose wife Indra had duped into having sex) to lose his testicles. Indra later gets a new pair of testicles from a ram with the help of Agni (the Fire god). Most definitely the 1st documented instance of a successful testicles transplant!

Indra is repeatedly humiliated by many demonic kings like Ravana of Lanka, whose son Indrajit (whose name literally means “victor over Indra”) bound Indra in nooses and dragged him across Lanka in a humiliating display. Upon which Indra agreed to pay tribute and to accept supremacy of Ravana.

Hail to the Maharaja!


#4 Yama:

Yama was absolutely ecstatic to accept the offer to become the “God of Death”, arguably a cool sounding God title. Little did he realize that the perks included living in the Hell forever. Rest assured that the Hindu Hell has far worse living index than the Christian Hell. Just compare the public restrooms in India vs. those in the West.


#3 & #2 Yudhisthir and Laxmana (tie):

Round 1:

Laxmana: His elder brother Rama is very happy after getting married to princess Sita through swayamvar.com and is planning a little forest vacation. Laxman decides to become kabob_mein_haddi and joins them in the forest.

Yudhisthira: His younger brother Arjuna is very happy after getting married to princess Draupadi through swayamvar.com and is planning a little exotic vacation. Yudhisthir decides to become kabob_mein_haddi and joins them in their husband-wife relationship.

R1 winner: Yudhisthira!

Round 2:

Yudhisthira: In a reckless move, he gambles away his wife, triggering the events that led to the epic battle of Mahabharata.

Laxamana: In a reckless move, he cuts off the nose of a lady who proposes to him, triggering the events than led to the epic battle of Ramayana.

R2 winner: Laxmana

Overall: Tie


#1 Holy Cow

Lame. Period. Need I say any more?

Godzilla’s list: 6 coolest Gods from the Hindu Mythology

# 6 Shiva: A dopey mix of drugs, meditation, dancing, snakes, sex and violence – Shiva, the God of Destruction, seems to be the original inspiration for all the Goth Rock and Tarantino movies. Wicked Cool!


#5 Ganesha: Cute and cuddly, fat and lazy, laddu eating elephant God Ganesha would have ranked much higher in the list had he not picked riding_on_a_tiny_mouse (poor mouse!!) as his mode of transport.

Ganesha actually wrote the epic Mahabharata while Vyasa recited it to him. And here is a little known secret about the first edition of Mahabharata - it was written in Marathi!


#4 HanuMan: Before there were SpiderMan or BatMan, we had the original superhero – HanuMan. He could fly, lift a mountain on his pinky, and single-tailedly burn all of Srilanka.

In an act of epic goofiness, he ended up eating the Sun thinking it’s a fruit, causing the first documented instance of solar eclipse in the history.


#3 Vishnu: Part of the supreme trilogy of the Hindu Gods, and inventor of the Avatar concept (James Cameron, can you please pay up the royalties?). His Avatars include super-star human Gods like Rama and Krishna.

It is claimed that Buddha was his 10th Avatar – effectively assimilating Buddhism in India into the folds of Hinduism. I am waiting for the day when there are enough Desis in America who can start claiming that Jesus was his 11th Avatar.


#2 Krishna: Musician, Philosopher (of the Karma fame), Diplomat, Warrior, Model Lover, Flirt, Prankster and a Supreme Being (Avatar of Vishnu). No other Hindu God has more contemporary and international appeal than Krishna.


#1 Sachin Tendulkar: Need I say more?



(PS: Watch out this space for the list of Lamest Gods - coming soon)

Godzilla on Poker

R2 enters the living room to find Godzilla sitting in front of his computer wearing funky shades.

R2: Godzilla! Why in the world are you wearing shades? You are inside the house in front of a computer!

Godzilla (annoyed): I am playing facebook poker.

R2: Hahaha! Don’t you think it’s somewhat dumb to wear shades while playing online poker?

Godzilla: I have won 38 million chips in the last 4 weeks. I know you have been struggling to move beyond itsy bitsy 100k chips for a few years now. Now if you scratch my back and get a beer for me, I can throw a few thousand chips at you!

R2 is intrigued. He looks at the screen. Godzilla is dealt a 2-7 off-suit. Three players ahead of Godzilla raise and call. It’s Godzilla’s turn. He is thinking..

R2: Godzilla, just fold. This is statistically the worst--

Godzilla cuts off R2 with a hand wave and re-raises. R2 is banging his head in frustration. Everyone calls Godzilla’s re-raise.

Flop comes 2-7-7. Full House!! Godzilla has hit the jackpot!

R2 (excited!): SLOWPLAY! SLOWPLAY!! – You need to reel everyone in!

Godzilla (ignoring R2 completely): I am ALL IN.

Everyone calls. Godzilla wins a monster pot!

R2 is stunned!

R2: Godzilla, you have turned conventional poker wisdom on its head. What is the secret of your success on facebook poker?

Godzilla: There are 2 secrets:
1. Never tell anyone everything you know.

Godzilla calmly starts playing the next hand. R2 waits in anticipation for the 2nd secret and then figures it out. R2 bows to the Godzilla of Poker.

R2: Godzilla, are you IN for poker at DG’s place this Thursday night?

Godzilla: I am ALL-IN. Dude, last offer - can you please pass on a beer for 2 million chips?

Godzilla on Katrina Kaif

Godzilla: R2, I am making a movie with Katrina in the starring role.

R2: You fancy Katrina, don’t you? Anyways, what’s the story?

Godzilla: Katrina plays the role of a beautiful NRI who cannot speak Hindi. She cannot act or dance either - but has the most dazzling smile in the world. She dreams of winning the Miss World competition, organized by Amitabh Bachchan. The winner not only gets the Miss World crown, but also gets to marry Amitabh’s son.

R2: If you remove the NRI part, it seems you are describing Aishwarya’s story. She may sue you for making fun of her acting skills!

Godzilla: I have taken their permission. In fact, Amitabh plays himself in the movie. As you can guess, Emraan Hashmi plays Amitabh’s son.

R2: Not sure I would have guessed that, but go on – this is getting interesting.

Godzilla: Katrina wins the Miss World competition. Just when she is about to get married to Emraan Hashmi, the reigning Mr. World (played by Salmaan Khan) storms into the mandap. He beats Emraan to a pulp and forces him to kiss his @$$ 23 times (in slow motion, with Rahet Fateh Ali khan singing in the background). Salmaan and Katrina live happily ever after.

R2: Hehe. Great story. A piece of advise though. If you want to avoid being beaten to a pulp by Salmaan Khan, you need to change this blog post's title. Trust me, it sounds creepy

Godzilla on Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar

R2: Godzilla, why does seeing Tendulkar do well make all of us so deeply happy?

Godzilla (without a hint of sarcasm): I wish I could explain that R2. It is almost mystical. Watching him bat at his best is a spiritual experience of the highest order. A friend of mine recently said ,“ I was an atheist till I found God. My God's middle name is Ramesh.” Its amazing that so many Indian cricket lovers make “God” reference when talking about Sachin and it never feels hyperbole. It is said that a player cannot be greater than his sport, but in Sachin’s case, he is definitely greater than Cricket. He is the Hope, the Conscience, the Accomplishment and the Happiness of an entire nation.

And here I say it, Sachin is the greatest ever. Sorry Woods, Jordan, Federer and Joey Chestnut – you guys pale in His comparison.

R2: Wow! Godzilla, you have never sounded so sincere. Let’s not make any silly jokes today and just drink to the God. Cheers!

Godzilla: Cheers!

Times of India: Lalit Modi brings Winter Olympics to India!!

R2 reads today’s headline in Times of India: “Visionary Lalit Modi brings Winter Olympics to India”. R2 is overwhelmed with joy, his life long dream has come true – finally India gets a chance to host the Olympics.

R2 (all misty eyed, falls on to his knees and raises his hand): What a newspaper, what a visionary, what a sporting event - I am proud to be an Indian today!!

Godzilla (knocks R2’s head with rolled up TOI): Dude, its winter Olympics!!! No one watches it except for a few Eskimos on the North Pole. Ask NBC.

R2: You don’t get it Godzilla. Olympics is not about the size of the audience or commercial interests, it is about the triumph and progress of the human spirit. Lalit Modi gets it.

Godzilla: Okay, let me take you to Modi’s house, you can talk to the man himself.

Godzilla is chummy with everyone who is worth being chummy with. R2 and Godzilla enter Lalit Modi’s palace – aptly named “Lalit Modi Palace”. Modi has never believed in subtleties. He has two cute puppies named Kapil Dev and Jagmohan Dalmiya.

R2: Modiji – congratulations on bringing Winter Olympics to India! What will the #1 sport of these games?

LM: Ice Hockey.

R2: Ice Hockey?? India doesn’t have a single Ice Hockey arena or an Ice Hockey team!

LM: Don’t worry about it. We have relocated the Ice Hockey events to South Africa. They are our friends and they like eating crumbs from my cake. Hehehe...

R2: What about the team?

LM: Oh, I have asked Shahrukh Khan to coach and train the Indian Ice Hockey team. I have seen Chak De, he will do a good job. Man, that dude is so talented!! Did you see his acting in MNIK?

Lalit Modi looks sideways with skewed eyes, jitters and mumbles – trying to mimic SRK’s Rizwan Khan from MNIK. He is such a better actor than SRK.

R2: I don’t want to talk about MNIK. How about other sports?

LM: We will have 20-20 cricket.

R2: Cricket!! Its not even part of the Summer Olympics, how does it qualify to be a part of Winter Olympics?

LM: That’s called innovation and vision. We will reduce temperature in the VIP boxes so that it feels like winter for the VIPs.

R2: Any other sports?

LM: Nah, I have cancelled them all. No one watches those silly slidy thingies.

A man is his 40s walks into the room holding a tray with 3 cups of tea. From the footwork and balance he displays in bringing the tea tray, it is obvious that this man must have hit 6 sixes in an over when he was young.

R2: OH MY GOD!! This is Ravi Shastri. Ravi Shastri is serving tea at the Lalit Modi Palace!!

LM: Yeah. You got to understand, R2. After doing IPL commentary, he needed a more respectable job.

Ravi Shastri: Gentlemen, enjoy your special DLF masala chai – cheers!

My Name is K..K..K. K..K..Khan and I am fat

R2 is furious. He has just endured a 3 hour torture of watching MNIK and desperately needs some drinks to recover. He enters the living room and finds Godzilla having a drink with a stranger.

R2 (to the stranger): Who are you?

Stranger: My name is Nikhat Kazmi and I gave 5 stars to MNIK in my TOI column. timesofindia.indiatimes.com/moviereview/5555396.cms

R2: My name is R2 and I want to kick your balls and get my money back!

Godzilla: Hahaha!! Nikki Dude, I told you that these morons will not realize that your review was a prank!

Godzilla gives a high five to Nikhat and they both laugh hysterically. R2 never knew that Godzilla was chummy with slimy Bollywood “critics”. But Godzilla has surprised R2 before.

Godzilla: R2, how dumb one needs to be to take seriously a review that refers to SRK performance as “Definitely, this one's a few miles ahead of even Tom Hank's Forrest Gump”

Nikhat (proudly): Or consider this gem, “it is the searing simplicity of Karan Johar's narration that scintillates. Choosing a protagonist who suffers from Asperger's Syndrome seems to be a deliberate move on the part of the film maker and it works like a master stroke.” Haha, I laughed my @$$ off when I wrote this. I have no freaking clue what I meant!

Godzilla laughs again. R2 is perplexed.

Nikhat: In fact, I have already written a review for the sequel “My name is K..K..K..Khan and I am fat”. It is a story about a very fat Indian guy who wants to be the president of USA. He flies in Southwest airline to meet Obama to ask him if he can replace him as the president. Southwest folks kick him out because he is too fat. They force him to eat salad for several days. After many dramatic twists and turns, the movie ends up with Khan capturing Bin Laden, marrying Karan Johar and saving Southwest from bankruptcy.

R2: I don’t think SRK will be believable as a very fat guy.

Godzilla: As if he was believable as an autistic, hehe.. Nikki, wanna join us for dinner?

Nikhat: No yaar, Karan Johar is buying me dinner, groceries and underwear for the rest of my life, need to head out.

Godzilla: That’s cool. Hey, when you meet KJo, can you ask him a question for me – I have been thinking about it for a long time.

Nikhat: Any time Godzee! What’s the question?

Godzilla: If SRK’s character was so mortally afraid of the yellow color, how did he poop?