Godzilla: R2, I am making a movie with Katrina in the starring role.
R2: You fancy Katrina, don’t you? Anyways, what’s the story?
Godzilla: Katrina plays the role of a beautiful NRI who cannot speak Hindi. She cannot act or dance either - but has the most dazzling smile in the world. She dreams of winning the Miss World competition, organized by Amitabh Bachchan. The winner not only gets the Miss World crown, but also gets to marry Amitabh’s son.
R2: If you remove the NRI part, it seems you are describing Aishwarya’s story. She may sue you for making fun of her acting skills!
Godzilla: I have taken their permission. In fact, Amitabh plays himself in the movie. As you can guess, Emraan Hashmi plays Amitabh’s son.
R2: Not sure I would have guessed that, but go on – this is getting interesting.
Godzilla: Katrina wins the Miss World competition. Just when she is about to get married to Emraan Hashmi, the reigning Mr. World (played by Salmaan Khan) storms into the mandap. He beats Emraan to a pulp and forces him to kiss his @$$ 23 times (in slow motion, with Rahet Fateh Ali khan singing in the background). Salmaan and Katrina live happily ever after.
R2: Hehe. Great story. A piece of advise though. If you want to avoid being beaten to a pulp by Salmaan Khan, you need to change this blog post's title. Trust me, it sounds creepy
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Godzilla on Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar
R2: Godzilla, why does seeing Tendulkar do well make all of us so deeply happy?
Godzilla (without a hint of sarcasm): I wish I could explain that R2. It is almost mystical. Watching him bat at his best is a spiritual experience of the highest order. A friend of mine recently said ,“ I was an atheist till I found God. My God's middle name is Ramesh.” Its amazing that so many Indian cricket lovers make “God” reference when talking about Sachin and it never feels hyperbole. It is said that a player cannot be greater than his sport, but in Sachin’s case, he is definitely greater than Cricket. He is the Hope, the Conscience, the Accomplishment and the Happiness of an entire nation.
And here I say it, Sachin is the greatest ever. Sorry Woods, Jordan, Federer and Joey Chestnut – you guys pale in His comparison.
R2: Wow! Godzilla, you have never sounded so sincere. Let’s not make any silly jokes today and just drink to the God. Cheers!
Godzilla: Cheers!
Godzilla (without a hint of sarcasm): I wish I could explain that R2. It is almost mystical. Watching him bat at his best is a spiritual experience of the highest order. A friend of mine recently said ,“ I was an atheist till I found God. My God's middle name is Ramesh.” Its amazing that so many Indian cricket lovers make “God” reference when talking about Sachin and it never feels hyperbole. It is said that a player cannot be greater than his sport, but in Sachin’s case, he is definitely greater than Cricket. He is the Hope, the Conscience, the Accomplishment and the Happiness of an entire nation.
And here I say it, Sachin is the greatest ever. Sorry Woods, Jordan, Federer and Joey Chestnut – you guys pale in His comparison.
R2: Wow! Godzilla, you have never sounded so sincere. Let’s not make any silly jokes today and just drink to the God. Cheers!
Godzilla: Cheers!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Times of India: Lalit Modi brings Winter Olympics to India!!
R2 reads today’s headline in Times of India: “Visionary Lalit Modi brings Winter Olympics to India”. R2 is overwhelmed with joy, his life long dream has come true – finally India gets a chance to host the Olympics.
R2 (all misty eyed, falls on to his knees and raises his hand): What a newspaper, what a visionary, what a sporting event - I am proud to be an Indian today!!
Godzilla (knocks R2’s head with rolled up TOI): Dude, its winter Olympics!!! No one watches it except for a few Eskimos on the North Pole. Ask NBC.
R2: You don’t get it Godzilla. Olympics is not about the size of the audience or commercial interests, it is about the triumph and progress of the human spirit. Lalit Modi gets it.
Godzilla: Okay, let me take you to Modi’s house, you can talk to the man himself.
Godzilla is chummy with everyone who is worth being chummy with. R2 and Godzilla enter Lalit Modi’s palace – aptly named “Lalit Modi Palace”. Modi has never believed in subtleties. He has two cute puppies named Kapil Dev and Jagmohan Dalmiya.
R2: Modiji – congratulations on bringing Winter Olympics to India! What will the #1 sport of these games?
LM: Ice Hockey.
R2: Ice Hockey?? India doesn’t have a single Ice Hockey arena or an Ice Hockey team!
LM: Don’t worry about it. We have relocated the Ice Hockey events to South Africa. They are our friends and they like eating crumbs from my cake. Hehehe...
R2: What about the team?
LM: Oh, I have asked Shahrukh Khan to coach and train the Indian Ice Hockey team. I have seen Chak De, he will do a good job. Man, that dude is so talented!! Did you see his acting in MNIK?
Lalit Modi looks sideways with skewed eyes, jitters and mumbles – trying to mimic SRK’s Rizwan Khan from MNIK. He is such a better actor than SRK.
R2: I don’t want to talk about MNIK. How about other sports?
LM: We will have 20-20 cricket.
R2: Cricket!! Its not even part of the Summer Olympics, how does it qualify to be a part of Winter Olympics?
LM: That’s called innovation and vision. We will reduce temperature in the VIP boxes so that it feels like winter for the VIPs.
R2: Any other sports?
LM: Nah, I have cancelled them all. No one watches those silly slidy thingies.
A man is his 40s walks into the room holding a tray with 3 cups of tea. From the footwork and balance he displays in bringing the tea tray, it is obvious that this man must have hit 6 sixes in an over when he was young.
R2: OH MY GOD!! This is Ravi Shastri. Ravi Shastri is serving tea at the Lalit Modi Palace!!
LM: Yeah. You got to understand, R2. After doing IPL commentary, he needed a more respectable job.
Ravi Shastri: Gentlemen, enjoy your special DLF masala chai – cheers!
R2 (all misty eyed, falls on to his knees and raises his hand): What a newspaper, what a visionary, what a sporting event - I am proud to be an Indian today!!
Godzilla (knocks R2’s head with rolled up TOI): Dude, its winter Olympics!!! No one watches it except for a few Eskimos on the North Pole. Ask NBC.
R2: You don’t get it Godzilla. Olympics is not about the size of the audience or commercial interests, it is about the triumph and progress of the human spirit. Lalit Modi gets it.
Godzilla: Okay, let me take you to Modi’s house, you can talk to the man himself.
Godzilla is chummy with everyone who is worth being chummy with. R2 and Godzilla enter Lalit Modi’s palace – aptly named “Lalit Modi Palace”. Modi has never believed in subtleties. He has two cute puppies named Kapil Dev and Jagmohan Dalmiya.
R2: Modiji – congratulations on bringing Winter Olympics to India! What will the #1 sport of these games?
LM: Ice Hockey.
R2: Ice Hockey?? India doesn’t have a single Ice Hockey arena or an Ice Hockey team!
LM: Don’t worry about it. We have relocated the Ice Hockey events to South Africa. They are our friends and they like eating crumbs from my cake. Hehehe...
R2: What about the team?
LM: Oh, I have asked Shahrukh Khan to coach and train the Indian Ice Hockey team. I have seen Chak De, he will do a good job. Man, that dude is so talented!! Did you see his acting in MNIK?
Lalit Modi looks sideways with skewed eyes, jitters and mumbles – trying to mimic SRK’s Rizwan Khan from MNIK. He is such a better actor than SRK.
R2: I don’t want to talk about MNIK. How about other sports?
LM: We will have 20-20 cricket.
R2: Cricket!! Its not even part of the Summer Olympics, how does it qualify to be a part of Winter Olympics?
LM: That’s called innovation and vision. We will reduce temperature in the VIP boxes so that it feels like winter for the VIPs.
R2: Any other sports?
LM: Nah, I have cancelled them all. No one watches those silly slidy thingies.
A man is his 40s walks into the room holding a tray with 3 cups of tea. From the footwork and balance he displays in bringing the tea tray, it is obvious that this man must have hit 6 sixes in an over when he was young.
R2: OH MY GOD!! This is Ravi Shastri. Ravi Shastri is serving tea at the Lalit Modi Palace!!
LM: Yeah. You got to understand, R2. After doing IPL commentary, he needed a more respectable job.
Ravi Shastri: Gentlemen, enjoy your special DLF masala chai – cheers!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
My Name is K..K..K. K..K..Khan and I am fat
R2 is furious. He has just endured a 3 hour torture of watching MNIK and desperately needs some drinks to recover. He enters the living room and finds Godzilla having a drink with a stranger.
R2 (to the stranger): Who are you?
Stranger: My name is Nikhat Kazmi and I gave 5 stars to MNIK in my TOI column. timesofindia.indiatimes.com/moviereview/5555396.cms
R2: My name is R2 and I want to kick your balls and get my money back!
Godzilla: Hahaha!! Nikki Dude, I told you that these morons will not realize that your review was a prank!
Godzilla gives a high five to Nikhat and they both laugh hysterically. R2 never knew that Godzilla was chummy with slimy Bollywood “critics”. But Godzilla has surprised R2 before.
Godzilla: R2, how dumb one needs to be to take seriously a review that refers to SRK performance as “Definitely, this one's a few miles ahead of even Tom Hank's Forrest Gump”
Nikhat (proudly): Or consider this gem, “it is the searing simplicity of Karan Johar's narration that scintillates. Choosing a protagonist who suffers from Asperger's Syndrome seems to be a deliberate move on the part of the film maker and it works like a master stroke.” Haha, I laughed my @$$ off when I wrote this. I have no freaking clue what I meant!
Godzilla laughs again. R2 is perplexed.
Nikhat: In fact, I have already written a review for the sequel “My name is K..K..K..Khan and I am fat”. It is a story about a very fat Indian guy who wants to be the president of USA. He flies in Southwest airline to meet Obama to ask him if he can replace him as the president. Southwest folks kick him out because he is too fat. They force him to eat salad for several days. After many dramatic twists and turns, the movie ends up with Khan capturing Bin Laden, marrying Karan Johar and saving Southwest from bankruptcy.
R2: I don’t think SRK will be believable as a very fat guy.
Godzilla: As if he was believable as an autistic, hehe.. Nikki, wanna join us for dinner?
Nikhat: No yaar, Karan Johar is buying me dinner, groceries and underwear for the rest of my life, need to head out.
Godzilla: That’s cool. Hey, when you meet KJo, can you ask him a question for me – I have been thinking about it for a long time.
Nikhat: Any time Godzee! What’s the question?
Godzilla: If SRK’s character was so mortally afraid of the yellow color, how did he poop?
R2 (to the stranger): Who are you?
Stranger: My name is Nikhat Kazmi and I gave 5 stars to MNIK in my TOI column. timesofindia.indiatimes.com/moviereview/5555396.cms
R2: My name is R2 and I want to kick your balls and get my money back!
Godzilla: Hahaha!! Nikki Dude, I told you that these morons will not realize that your review was a prank!
Godzilla gives a high five to Nikhat and they both laugh hysterically. R2 never knew that Godzilla was chummy with slimy Bollywood “critics”. But Godzilla has surprised R2 before.
Godzilla: R2, how dumb one needs to be to take seriously a review that refers to SRK performance as “Definitely, this one's a few miles ahead of even Tom Hank's Forrest Gump”
Nikhat (proudly): Or consider this gem, “it is the searing simplicity of Karan Johar's narration that scintillates. Choosing a protagonist who suffers from Asperger's Syndrome seems to be a deliberate move on the part of the film maker and it works like a master stroke.” Haha, I laughed my @$$ off when I wrote this. I have no freaking clue what I meant!
Godzilla laughs again. R2 is perplexed.
Nikhat: In fact, I have already written a review for the sequel “My name is K..K..K..Khan and I am fat”. It is a story about a very fat Indian guy who wants to be the president of USA. He flies in Southwest airline to meet Obama to ask him if he can replace him as the president. Southwest folks kick him out because he is too fat. They force him to eat salad for several days. After many dramatic twists and turns, the movie ends up with Khan capturing Bin Laden, marrying Karan Johar and saving Southwest from bankruptcy.
R2: I don’t think SRK will be believable as a very fat guy.
Godzilla: As if he was believable as an autistic, hehe.. Nikki, wanna join us for dinner?
Nikhat: No yaar, Karan Johar is buying me dinner, groceries and underwear for the rest of my life, need to head out.
Godzilla: That’s cool. Hey, when you meet KJo, can you ask him a question for me – I have been thinking about it for a long time.
Nikhat: Any time Godzee! What’s the question?
Godzilla: If SRK’s character was so mortally afraid of the yellow color, how did he poop?
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