Memories: Cricket in my boarding school (1987-1990)

Let me share some childhood cricket memories from my boarding school days that have stayed with me. It is sad that I have not played any form of cricket for the last 4 years. (Dang, folks at Nintendo should come up with a popular Wii Cricket game already!)

1. Love for batting: I was at the runner’s end. It was an easy single, but he refused to run. He loved batting too. On the last ball, there was another easy single. To his surprise, I was more than wiling to run. He looked at me in gratitude and started strolling gleefully for a run that would have let him keep the strike for another full over. Did he think I was a fool?? I waited till he was halfway through the pitch, and sprinted back to the runner’s end. He was stranded and was run out!! He was a big guy. Now he was a furious big guy charging at me, shouting expletives (B***, M**$%#), threatening to beat me to a pulp. Luckily he stopped just a few inches short, shouted a few more expletives and went away. I won :)


2. Specialist Batsman: I started my career as an intimidating fast bowler. They said I ran faster than I bowled. Realizing my physical limitations, I became a guileful leg spinner (twirling the ball like Quadir at the start of my run-up). My variations included the ‘slow one’ and the ‘super slow one’. They said I bowled lollipops. Finally I had to become a specialist batsman. Being a specialist batsman, it kind of sucked to bat at number 10. I always prayed that my teammates batting ahead of me get out really early so that I at least get to bat. But apart from that life was good; I got to name our team (“Golden Team”)!

3. Extraordinary umpires: There were some weird characters that preferred watching the game as umpires, rather than playing it. Apparently, if the umpires raised one finger, the batsman was signaled out. However, the umpires could raise two fingers to signal ‘not out’. Umpires routinely used the two finger signal as a tease or when they changed their mind last second. They had a fairly elaborate decision making progress. Two examples:

Umpire: Maa kasam kha ki tune ball nick nahi kiya
Batsman: As a principle main kabhee Maa kasam nahi khaata, but teri kasam khaa sakta hun…
Umpire (raising one finger): OUT

Umpire (asking a passerby): Do you think he is run-out?
Passerby: Yeah, he didn’t make it to the crease. He is clearly out.
Umpire: Idiot!! How can you see from there?? NOT OUT (and raises two fingers and then turns around and shows middle finger to the passerby)


4. Politics and Revenge: The guy who owned the bat, wickets and pads was the captain of the Golden team. He was a particularly bad player, but liked to open the batting and bowling. He was also the coach, the selector and the commissioner of the team. Next year, one of the players got his own bats, wickets and pads. Almost instantly, the entire team deserted the old captain and formed a new team under the new captain. They named their team the “Platinum Team”. I stuck with the Golden Team (after all, I named that team), became the vice captain because of my loyalty and recruited new members. After months of practice, we finally challenged the Platinum Team for a grudge match. I still remember that game in incredibly vivid detail. I took three wickets with my lollipops, one stunning diving catch and scored 25 runs of the 81 total we scored. We won :)

Godzilla’s list: 6 lamest Gods from the Hindu Mythology

#6 Brahma:

If you go by the job description, Brahma should have been a stud! He is supposed to be the Creator. In any other religion he would have been the God no. 1, with the biggest fan following. However, no one worships Brahma in Hinduism!

Story goes that he was infatuated with one of his daughters and hence a lifetime ban on Brahma worship was imposed (lifetime bans really suck, especially if you have an eternal existence). Poor Brahma didn’t have a choice – as a creator, every women was his daughter or nth order derivative.

To add to the lameness - while every other God carries cool weapons, Brahma carries around a book and a spoon (WTF!).


#5 Indra:

Indra is the king of the tier 2 Gods of Hindu mythology. This Somras (divine liquor) drinking, Apsara (divine dancers) drooling, extremely insecure and weak king of Gods must have been the role model for all the Desi Maharajas of the British era.

Apparently, Indra was cursed by Gautama (a saint whose wife Indra had duped into having sex) to lose his testicles. Indra later gets a new pair of testicles from a ram with the help of Agni (the Fire god). Most definitely the 1st documented instance of a successful testicles transplant!

Indra is repeatedly humiliated by many demonic kings like Ravana of Lanka, whose son Indrajit (whose name literally means “victor over Indra”) bound Indra in nooses and dragged him across Lanka in a humiliating display. Upon which Indra agreed to pay tribute and to accept supremacy of Ravana.

Hail to the Maharaja!


#4 Yama:

Yama was absolutely ecstatic to accept the offer to become the “God of Death”, arguably a cool sounding God title. Little did he realize that the perks included living in the Hell forever. Rest assured that the Hindu Hell has far worse living index than the Christian Hell. Just compare the public restrooms in India vs. those in the West.


#3 & #2 Yudhisthir and Laxmana (tie):

Round 1:

Laxmana: His elder brother Rama is very happy after getting married to princess Sita through swayamvar.com and is planning a little forest vacation. Laxman decides to become kabob_mein_haddi and joins them in the forest.

Yudhisthira: His younger brother Arjuna is very happy after getting married to princess Draupadi through swayamvar.com and is planning a little exotic vacation. Yudhisthir decides to become kabob_mein_haddi and joins them in their husband-wife relationship.

R1 winner: Yudhisthira!

Round 2:

Yudhisthira: In a reckless move, he gambles away his wife, triggering the events that led to the epic battle of Mahabharata.

Laxamana: In a reckless move, he cuts off the nose of a lady who proposes to him, triggering the events than led to the epic battle of Ramayana.

R2 winner: Laxmana

Overall: Tie


#1 Holy Cow

Lame. Period. Need I say any more?

Godzilla’s list: 6 coolest Gods from the Hindu Mythology

# 6 Shiva: A dopey mix of drugs, meditation, dancing, snakes, sex and violence – Shiva, the God of Destruction, seems to be the original inspiration for all the Goth Rock and Tarantino movies. Wicked Cool!


#5 Ganesha: Cute and cuddly, fat and lazy, laddu eating elephant God Ganesha would have ranked much higher in the list had he not picked riding_on_a_tiny_mouse (poor mouse!!) as his mode of transport.

Ganesha actually wrote the epic Mahabharata while Vyasa recited it to him. And here is a little known secret about the first edition of Mahabharata - it was written in Marathi!


#4 HanuMan: Before there were SpiderMan or BatMan, we had the original superhero – HanuMan. He could fly, lift a mountain on his pinky, and single-tailedly burn all of Srilanka.

In an act of epic goofiness, he ended up eating the Sun thinking it’s a fruit, causing the first documented instance of solar eclipse in the history.


#3 Vishnu: Part of the supreme trilogy of the Hindu Gods, and inventor of the Avatar concept (James Cameron, can you please pay up the royalties?). His Avatars include super-star human Gods like Rama and Krishna.

It is claimed that Buddha was his 10th Avatar – effectively assimilating Buddhism in India into the folds of Hinduism. I am waiting for the day when there are enough Desis in America who can start claiming that Jesus was his 11th Avatar.


#2 Krishna: Musician, Philosopher (of the Karma fame), Diplomat, Warrior, Model Lover, Flirt, Prankster and a Supreme Being (Avatar of Vishnu). No other Hindu God has more contemporary and international appeal than Krishna.


#1 Sachin Tendulkar: Need I say more?



(PS: Watch out this space for the list of Lamest Gods - coming soon)

Godzilla on Poker

R2 enters the living room to find Godzilla sitting in front of his computer wearing funky shades.

R2: Godzilla! Why in the world are you wearing shades? You are inside the house in front of a computer!

Godzilla (annoyed): I am playing facebook poker.

R2: Hahaha! Don’t you think it’s somewhat dumb to wear shades while playing online poker?

Godzilla: I have won 38 million chips in the last 4 weeks. I know you have been struggling to move beyond itsy bitsy 100k chips for a few years now. Now if you scratch my back and get a beer for me, I can throw a few thousand chips at you!

R2 is intrigued. He looks at the screen. Godzilla is dealt a 2-7 off-suit. Three players ahead of Godzilla raise and call. It’s Godzilla’s turn. He is thinking..

R2: Godzilla, just fold. This is statistically the worst--

Godzilla cuts off R2 with a hand wave and re-raises. R2 is banging his head in frustration. Everyone calls Godzilla’s re-raise.

Flop comes 2-7-7. Full House!! Godzilla has hit the jackpot!

R2 (excited!): SLOWPLAY! SLOWPLAY!! – You need to reel everyone in!

Godzilla (ignoring R2 completely): I am ALL IN.

Everyone calls. Godzilla wins a monster pot!

R2 is stunned!

R2: Godzilla, you have turned conventional poker wisdom on its head. What is the secret of your success on facebook poker?

Godzilla: There are 2 secrets:
1. Never tell anyone everything you know.

Godzilla calmly starts playing the next hand. R2 waits in anticipation for the 2nd secret and then figures it out. R2 bows to the Godzilla of Poker.

R2: Godzilla, are you IN for poker at DG’s place this Thursday night?

Godzilla: I am ALL-IN. Dude, last offer - can you please pass on a beer for 2 million chips?